I used to be able to clean my eyeglasses with Windex and a paper towel. Sometimes just my breath. But now we have advanced plastic lenses. They’ve got anti-smudge, anti-glare, anti-UV, and anti-scratch coatings. You need special sprays, microfiber wipes, chemicals, and so on to keep them clean. And the glasses I have now have NEVER been smudge-free. All I can do is move the smudge out of the way.

I do the dish soap trick sometimes. That’s where you clean your glasses in the sink with lukewarm water and some dish soap. But this doesn’t work either, especially on my glasses with the ultra smudge-proof coating. As the great philosopher Montgomery Scott said, “The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.”

You kids get off my lawn.