Let us now somberly remind ourselves of the true reason for the season.

His birth was announced by a bright star in the east on December 25th. Three wise men came to him. His mother was a virgin. He died, and was resurrected. He was the Son of God.

Jesus? Uh, no, Horus. Horus did this before Jesus, like, way back in ancient Egypt.

Let’s try again.

He had twelve disciples. His mother was also a virgin. He walked on water. He fed five hundred people with a small amount of food. He went around healing the sick and performing miracles.

Jesus? No, sorry, that was Buddha. Again, predates Jesus by about 500 or so years.

Damn, let’s try again.

His mom was, you guessed it, a virgin. He was the son of a carpenter. He was baptized. He went around performing miracles and even raised people from the dead. The authorities persecuted him, finally succeeded in crucifying him. But he came alive again on the third day, and then in front of many witnesses, ascended to heaven.

Jesus? Heh, don’t get ahead of me. No, this one was Krishna. His story predates Jesus by about a thousand years.

Okay, let’s see if we can get this right. I know you’re getting upset.

He was born on December 25th, attended by shepherds. He had twelve disciples. Went around doing miracles. They called him “The Lamb.” He was also called “the way, the truth and the life.” Some other names he was called: “Logos,” “Redeemer,” “Savior,” “Messiah.” He died, and was resurrected on the third day. He was the Son of God.

That’s GOTTA be Jesus! Nope, sorry, that was Mithra. And Mithra’s story was told about 600 years before Jesus.

Alright. We’ll try again next year.