More corporate welfare needed

BP isn’t the only big oil company that desperately needs a tax cat — now Exxon-Mobil does too.

They’ve shattered their own record for the biggest profit from operations by a U.S. corporation, earning $14.83 billion in the third quarter. Don’t you realize what kind of stress making that much money causes? Have a heart!

Seriously, can’t you spare some change? They need a tax break, and they need it now. You simply must sacrifice what you can to help. Give up yet another meal. Go ahead and default on your home and credit cards. Sell a kidney or two.

BP needs your help

BP, one of the oil behemoths astride the earth, needs another tax cut desperately. We MUST pull together and sacrifice to give them the tax cut they deserve. BP is in trouble, and if they’re in trouble, the entire solar system is in trouble. We MUST help them.

Why do they need another tax cut?

Because they made another 10 Billion dollar profit this past quarter. That’s Billion with a B. And they need a tax cut so they can afford to figure out how in the world to spend it. BP’s execs are fearful that there are no more Lear jets and Rolex watches to buy, so they’re stumped.

You can afford to give them their much-needed tax break. It’s not like you’re spending money at the grocery store anyway. You can always sell off your kids or your pets, hell, that’s a few bucks right there. And when you’re kicked out of your house, you don’t have any more power and water bills to pay.

Please help. BP needs you.

Flying before the crash

I was in heaven.

The despair began to lift. It was a brighter day. Things were turning around. I could take the gun out of my mouth and save my suicide solution for another time.

I got gas at $3.02 a gallon last night. I was ecstatic as I drove away from the pump, feeling like I’d just won the lottery, that life was getting better.

But then it hit me… I was celebrating gas that cost more than three dollars a gallon. How sad that it had gotten so high that I would be celebrating such a price. I realized it was kind of like being kept prisoner in a dark, dank dungeon in complete utter darkness, with rats and roaches crawling over my starved and emaciated body… but then someone decided to put one small candle in the cell. Joy!

We’re frogs in the kettle. Just because the temperature of the water has been dialed back a degree, doesn’t mean we’re still not on the way to being boiled, my fellow froggies.

By the way, those legs look juicy.