Say hello to my little friend

It’s out. Finally.

After several agonizing weeks, that damn kidney stone finally gained it’s freedom. If by freedom you mean it escaped into the sewers, then yeah.

It exited my, er, uh, launch tube early yesterday morning. Glory glory halleluhah!

Some of you may shake your head or say, “Yeewww, do I really want to read about this?” You’re free to read or not read this, but I figure since I suffered in unimaginable torment at the most inconvenient times while this thing decided to slice it’s way out of my urethra, I have the right to write about it. So there.

For the morbidly curious who haven’t suffered a kidney stone and want to know what it feels like, I’ll explain again:

Imagine an elephant covered in razor blades stomping through a small tube from your kidney out of your penis. Or, for you women, imagine giving birth to a seven foot tall knife thrower who is practicing his act while you squeeze him out.

It’s kinda like that.

Oh, and happy new year! Drink lots of water. Trust me on this one.

Rockin’ out with Celine

Really, you don’t want to see this. I’m serious. Don’t. Just don’t. Not unless you really want to see Celine Dion do “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC.

Alright, but you’ll be sorry. LINK

I thought cats were smart

And I thought cats were smart.

I taught Cecil how to use the microwave. But he keeps putting CANS of cat food in there. I don’t how many times I have to tell him — NO METAL IN THE MICROWAVE!

Dummy.

Actually, it’s come to my attention that if cats had opposable thumbs, they’d be running this planet. Or maybe they already are.

Is that a cigarette in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Cigarette junkies in Glasgow, Scotland who went to the doctor recently to get a prescription to help them stop smoking got a little — or big, depending — surprise instead.

Doctors in the UK use a sophisticated computer system to print prescriptions that recommend cheaper generic alternatives. So when the docs prescribed Zyban for the smokers, the computer substituted it for…. the generic form of Viagra!

“If the urge to quit smoking lasts for more than four hours, see your doctor.”