Checkout line judgment

Why is it people look at you judgmentally when you’re in the grocery store checkout with only two or three items… especially if they don’t seem to go together? It’s like people want some kind of explanation as to why you’re only buying a turkey and a package of condoms.

I finally break down and say, “I have to stuff the turkey somehow, don’t I?”

Turkey day a day away

Turkey day is almost here. My family was always about ham, not turkey, but one Thanksgiving, when I was younger and still talented, I decided to try my hand at cooking a holiday turkey all by myself.

I sought out and purchased the best turkey I could find. I bought a book on the best ways to prepare it. I called experts and got their advice. I followed all the directions as best I could. I plopped that bird into the oven at the right temperature and everything.

I thought the damn thing would never stop screaming. An hour later it was still pecking at the glass on the oven door.

What the hell did I do wrong?

Finally getting a raise

So I’ve been begging for a raise for several weeks now. Orson and Cecil (see pictures below) want the expensive pet food now.

Finally the boss caved. He called me into his office and shut the door. “Archer,” he says, with his immaculate hair, “I’ve decided to give you that raise you wanted. I’ve worked with bookkeeping and I think you’ll be happy. I’ve been able to get you an extra 10 grand a year.”

I jumped out of my chair, took my clothes off and danced on his desk.

“There’s just one thing,” he said.

I put my clothes back on and sat down.

“Your morning coffee is no longer free. It’ll now cost you 10 grand a year.”

I thought of being a smartass and telling him, “I’ll just stop drinking coffee then.” But we both knew that wasn’t true.

Back in the 80’s saddle

Yo!

It was a blast getting back in the studio for Saturday Night 80’s tonight! I missed it last week. If you want to know why, just scroll down for the amazing kidney stone story.

And in case you’re morbidly curious, it’s still in there, waiting for the most inconvenient time to cause blinding, insanity-inducing pain. Probably the next time I’m meeting with the program director. He’ll be saying, “So anyway, Archer, what I’d like you to do is–“

“YAAARRRRRGGGHHH!” I’ll scream.

“Alright. We can continue this later.”

The doctor says it could take a few weeks. Good times, good times.

Kidney stone in love

Okay, forgive the Journey pun. But kidney stones are not fun. I’ve had run-ins with them several times now, and most recently last weekend. Fortunately, when the blinding, all-encompassing pain hit, I knew exactly what it was.

What does it feel like? Imagine giving birth to three elephants covered in razor blades. Multiply that by a hundred. You’re close.

I was able to drive myself to the hospital, but was screaming all the way. Arriving at the ER parking garage, the entrance was blocked by a car. Screamed. Turned the car around, drove around the block to the regular parking garage. Screamed louder. Hunted for parking space. Screamed even louder. Finally found one, screamed, got out of the car, screamed, freaked out old lady who had a heart attack, screamed, walked across the street to the ER. Screamed. Signed in. Vomited.

Good times, good times.

There is a silver lining in all this. It’s called Vicodin. And the silver lining in the silver lining is… uh… mercury. Okay, so I’m on Vicodin right now. I feel like Dr. House, but let me tell you, I’ve never done better shows than when I’m impersonating the drug habits of America’s favorite scruffy curmudgeonly doctor.