Okay, forgive the Journey pun. But kidney stones are not fun. I’ve had run-ins with them several times now, and most recently last weekend. Fortunately, when the blinding, all-encompassing pain hit, I knew exactly what it was.
What does it feel like? Imagine giving birth to three elephants covered in razor blades. Multiply that by a hundred. You’re close.
I was able to drive myself to the hospital, but was screaming all the way. Arriving at the ER parking garage, the entrance was blocked by a car. Screamed. Turned the car around, drove around the block to the regular parking garage. Screamed louder. Hunted for parking space. Screamed even louder. Finally found one, screamed, got out of the car, screamed, freaked out old lady who had a heart attack, screamed, walked across the street to the ER. Screamed. Signed in. Vomited.
Good times, good times.
There is a silver lining in all this. It’s called Vicodin. And the silver lining in the silver lining is… uh… mercury. Okay, so I’m on Vicodin right now. I feel like Dr. House, but let me tell you, I’ve never done better shows than when I’m impersonating the drug habits of America’s favorite scruffy curmudgeonly doctor.